Hello all…..I have been terribly MIA and I should really be better about writing on here. I feel like its the only time I take to look into myself and try to find the quiet and try to know who I am. Does anyone feel like they really know themselves? If you do I would love to know how you got there and how you know it. I think everyone is on a journey to know themselves better and for me, I feel like I have been trying to know myself for a very long time. I feel like there are people in this world (that I am incredibly grateful to have in my life) that know me better than I know myself. While that is a great thing at times, I don’t know how well it serves me and my ability to be confident in who I am and what I can contribute to the world.
Why do I feel like I am not that extraordinary? Shouldn’t everyone feel like there is something incredibly unique about them they only they can contribute and share? I am so blessed to have a lot of people around me who can tell me that I am smart, funny or a good friend….but why can’t I see that for myself? Why do I look at the people I go to school with and think “How did I get in amongst all these brilliant people?” I really do think that. I hate the self doubt. Its not good and it eats away at me taking care of myself. I mean how can you take care of something that you don’t see its inherent value?
And how does one find this inherent value? I know I should just see it and I know why I don’t have it on some levels but I want to just move past those thoughts and be the self-confident, happy, independent, carefree and conscious adult that I see myself admiring. I find it so easy to admire others, why can’t I admire myself? On paper I feel I have accomplished things in my life….why do I feel a little lost and wandering? And not the good kind of wandering either. I feel like I need more time to sit and just be. To just watch what is going on in my life and catch my breath. I think that describes how I feel the best….like I emotionally can’t catch my breath. Med school zooms by in a blink and on the one hand I am very thankful that it does because it is tough and requires a lot of discipline….but on the other, it is something that I wanted for so long and I want to enjoy it and feel the joy of actually pursuing my dreams.
But even this sitting and being time would have to be scheduled and something in me rebels against schedules and constraints. Maybe its immaturity, who knows. Pretty soon, the next block will start and time will be a whirlwind again….hopefully I can take some time to be alone and wander in a way that helps me find my way back to who I am and why I am here.